A lil bit of Online Dating.

I  have been participating in the weird and wonderful world of  online dating sites on and off for about two years now. If you don't use online dating then I hope this post will give you an insight into this unique world . For those that do date online you get internet points if you recognise any of the following and double points if you recognise yourself.

Toy Boys: Blokes aged 22 and under. Profile picture is generally a picture of them and all their mates on the lash, making it near impossible to figure out which baby faced drunkard you're "talking" to. I use the term talking to very very loosely. Obviously first because its typed communication you really can't consider it talking and secondly because the language used is generally impossible to decipher. If it was text speak I would find it a minor irritation but ultimately I would get over it, writing it off as a time efficient method of communicating. However this language is totally foreign to me using words like yhuu to mean you or mii to mean my- what is the point!! It looks like nonsense and it takes longer to type than the actual words! Usually the toy boy is looking for no commitment or relationship of any kind. I have no issue with hook ups power to you if you enjoy them and get something from them but I'm afraid its not for me.

The first time girl experience: I'm happy for you that you have discovered your sexuality and are comfortable enough to explore it. I'm really sorry though I'm not the girl to explore it with. I don't do well as a babysitter and the first time out girl requires a great deal of minding and teaching. Fabulous if you're looking for someone to mold into the perfect lover. It just seems like a lot of hard work and drama to me. I'm looking for an equal partner not someone to "fix". Not to mention the significant possibility that she may not be out of the closet yet. Which leads me nicely to ....

Closet Cases: I totally get it being out isn't easy. There is a whole psychological process involved in coming to terms with who you are and then informing your loved ones. It can be a painful process full of rejection and pain. So I totally get why you wouldn't want to do it and I don't want you to do it for me (mostly because I don't wanna get the blame for "making you" do it) I also don't want to be introduced to people as your friend (I don't kiss my friends like that). I want to be able to hold your hand in public, kiss you when the mood strikes or just pinch your ass because I can and not have to check if there's anybody we know about first. I also want to be able to go out and not have to avoid people with cameras like a celebutante avoiding the paparazzi.

Naughty bits profile pictures: I'm not gonna lie I'm totally gonna check you out. Kudos to you for your bravery/ foolishness too depending on how you wanna view it and fair play for showing the goods to any potential hook ups. But let's get real here, if your bits are your profile picture you really don't need to waste your time (or mine) with filler in your profile that tells me what a wonderful person you are and that you like long walks on the beach or better again that you are looking for a relationship. Detailing your kinks is acceptable but your dreams wishes and ambitions are kinda unnecessary. Don't get me wrong you might have a lovely cock- but call me old fashioned I'd like to see who it belongs to.

People that send messages just saying Hey, Hi or  my personal favourite Hru? how utterly profound! What a fascinating creature, such linguistic and conversational skills I must know more. Come on now if you can't be arsed writing more than one word then why send anything? If you cant think of anything to say to me when you have time to prepare and you can hide behind your keyboard, the first date conversation isn't looking too promising.

The my friends say people: my friends say I'm really good looking, my friends say I'm really funny, my friends say I'm a really great person.We are all grown ups here you are allowed have opinions on yourself and be able to discuss those opinions without the need for a reference. I promise if you tell me that you're sporty/nerdy/ clever or whatever I will believe you honest, I don't need to ask your mates. Plus they're your friends they're hardly the most objective bunch of people. Your friends are hardly gonna call you an unfriendly, gimpy, unfunny dickhead now are they- at least not to your face anyway. Unless they are particularly cruel in which case get off Plenty of Fish and get some new friends!

Sugar daddies/ mommies: Older ladies/ gents who wanna take you out buy you shiny things and treat you in exchange for spending time with them etc. If that's what you're into awesome the internet is full of them, no recession in sugar land.  Not for me I'm afraid the whole thing makes me a little uneasy, besides if I wanted to receive remittance for spending time with an older person I'd apply for a carers allowance.

Finally:
Guys pretending to be girls: Come on now, you are fooling nobody! Besides isn't this an awful lot of work just to get off? The making of the profile, seeking out women, the developing of a rapport etc etc. Surely a smutty video or story would be much easier. There are plenty of online resources, Google is your friend , now leave the nice ladies alone and go about your day.

*Disclaimer*I would like to acknowledge that there are tonnes of wonderful  men and women looking for love on the internet.  I've been privileged enough to meet some of them and can now call them friends. I am not the perfect date or online dater, I have been called picky. I remain hopeful though that I will find someone awesome of my very own, they may not be online but its worth a shot.